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On 7/19/2006 11:45:00 PM, blipey waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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This I like a lot; though there is something that bothers me about it. I'm going to have to think on it. Perhaps it's the build...something in the middle; I don't know. Probably just something the matter with me.
I promise I'll work it out soon. At any rate, the sly and stealing storm is a very good piece of work.
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On 7/20/2006 08:02:00 AM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Glad you like it, blipey.
Janie's been a good influence on me. Until this most of my poetry started with "Roses are red," or "There once was a girl from Nantucket..."
:)
K
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On 7/20/2006 10:05:00 AM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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See? I told you it was good. blipey isn't the sort to be impressed with crap.
Love and Kisses,
JanieBelle
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On 7/20/2006 10:15:00 AM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Short confession:
When Kate first let me read it, I was a tad upset. I thought it was her 'round about way of telling me she was married...
It certainly stirred the emotion pot, and it still does, but differently.
I like it a lot better now.
:)
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On 7/20/2006 10:52:00 AM, blipey waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Okay, I've got. Take the following with a grain of salt--something I often have to tell my students but they're slightly younger.
I want to like this piece, and I do, but not as much as I could. I feel that somehow I'm being cheated from seeing the real poem. It sets me up and doesn't quite finish me off.
It does have to do with the build. I think there are two ways to go with the piece.
1. Build from "clear skies" toward the rage of the storm, through the panic, and into the weak and spent aftermath.
2. Treat it like a storm, with an irregular build, and jarring discontinuities, that take you through a hectic time and into the relief of the aftermath.
I like number 2, and I think it is closer to this as written. My problem, I think, is technical. The breaks and disconects serve not to change the goal of the storm, but only as energy drains.
People are pretty good at finding ways to get what they want. When one tactic doesn't work, we shift gears and work on our subject a different way--or we should. In artistic endeavors (theatre, music, literature, etc.), it is especially important to not let anyone off the hook. The storm, as personified, seems to let us off the hook a little.
On heels of satin,
In the blackest of night,
Away slips my bride,
The stars that I love.
And inch by inch,
Moment by moment,
Mile by mile,
and star by star,
Steals my awesome mistress,
Her power builds and churns,
as she nears me,
And my soul quivers in my skin
at her approach.
It starts quietly, a nice picture. We then get the first inkling of power and its effect on the subject.
The next section, however, starts us back at the same emotional level as the beginning:
The wind is her slave,
and comes at her silent command.
Softly it begins,
Then increasing with stealthy speed,
Leaving my hair wild, unfettered.
I think there are some minor word choices that could be cleaner also. "Steals my awesome mistress", for example, breaks the meter--not by making it more powerful and fuller in the mouth, but by making it hard to say and stopping the reader from finishing the thought. Also, there seems to be a need for another word here (after mistress). Making us fill in the word on our own is often a very nice conceit. However, here it seems that I can only think of "away"--I'd rather have another thought (Probably my own difficulty here, though.)
Now we get a change in attack, nice:
She begins to speak,
Quietly at first; distantly.
She kisses me softly, moistly,
with the first tiny drops of passion.
From here, for me, it moves with a very nice pace and engagemnet. It's just the awkwardness of the middle parts above that serve to keep me outside looking in, when I would rather be in the storm, not necessarily participating, but I want to have to get wet in order to observe.
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On 7/20/2006 11:05:00 AM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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What if she dropped
Softly it begins,
Then
So that it read -
Her power builds and churns,
as she nears me,
And my soul quivers in my skin
at her approach.
The wind is her slave,
and comes at her silent command,
Increasing with stealthy speed,
Leaving my hair wild, unfettered.
As for the other line, I think "away" sort of reverses the mistress' course.
What about
On heels of satin,
In the blackest of night,
Away slips my bride,
The stars that I love.
And inch by inch,
Moment by moment,
Mile by mile,
and star by star,
Steals my awesome mistress close.
Her power builds and churns,
as she nears me,
And my soul quivers in my skin
at her approach.
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On 7/20/2006 11:25:00 AM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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or "nigh"
That would work, too, but I think I prefer "close".
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On 7/20/2006 11:27:00 AM, blipey waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Yes, yes, of course, it should be "close" or something similar. My bad.
Dropping the line improves the scan, I think. I really would like to see something there though. I personally like the idea of interrupting the overall flow of the poem with lightening strikes, long peals of thunder, and those eerie moments when the rain lets up but you know it's not gone.
But, of course, it's not my poem. I just offer my thoughts so she can take or leave them as she likes.
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On 7/20/2006 11:59:00 AM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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I'm interested to see what she thinks.
Hope she's home soon.
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On 7/20/2006 02:13:00 PM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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I like the changes, they roll off the tongue better.
So you want some sexy lightning and thunder, huh?
Ok, back to the drawing board for some adjustment....
Here's where we're at so far:
My Mistress
On heels of satin,
In the blackest of night,
Away slips my bride,
The stars that I love.
And inch by inch,
Moment by moment,
Mile by mile,
and star by star,
Steals my awesome mistress close.
Her power builds and churns,
as she nears me,
And my soul quivers in my skin
at her approach.
The wind is her slave,
and comes at her silent command,
Increasing with stealthy speed,
Leaving my hair wild, unfettered.
She begins to speak,
Quietly at first; distantly.
She kisses me softly, moistly,
with the first tiny drops of passion.
But rapidly builds the lust of my mistress,
And soon I am drenched in her violent need.
She demands my obeisance
with electric displays of temper,
and I gladly give it.
Her whisper becomes the passionate cry
of a long neglected lover
echoing off the mountains
and slicing through the trees that surround me.
Unmoving, I experience her strength, her need,
And I am humbled.
And when, at last, she is sated, breathless,
We part.
"Until next time, my love,
There is no other," I whisper.
She leaves me with a quiet kiss of rain.
And yet she knows,
I lie.
K.
Kisses,
Kate
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On 7/20/2006 03:04:00 PM, blipey waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Hmmm. I like the thought better, also. There's still something about the scan that I don't like. When said aloud, I trip over the words at times. This can of course be purposeful, so if it is so, just tell me I'm stupid. Especially since I called for just such a thing.
But, here's an example:
And inch by inch,
Moment by moment,
Mile by mile,
and star by star,
Steals my awesome mistress close.
Her power builds and churns,
as she nears me,
This scans as:
.///
/../.
/./
././
//.//..
./././
////
If the third to last line above becomes something like:
"Steals close my awesome mistress"
the scan becomes:
././//.
and "steals" becomes a sneaky, unemphasized word, while "close" becoms the strong relationship rather than a weaker ending, leaving the sibilant ending of "mistress" to reinforce the soft and dark nature of "Steals".
I know you will write your own poem so I don't feel quite so bad about my comment. I don't mean it to be taken as advice on how to change it. It's like a table-read for me though. Sitting around with the cast and saying what if we did it this way? what story are we telling? It's simultaneously the cool and annoying part of discussing things with actors--we're never done with anything.
Though I will now try to be done with this poem except to read it :)
Mouse over both of them, blipey - One from each of us. JB and K
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On 7/20/2006 03:15:00 PM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Oh NO! Don't blipey, Janie and I were just sitting her fighting over the laptop and saying the same thing. It's like actors working on a play, sort of tweaking the lines.
We both like your rewording of that line.
It really does flow better that way. We were trying to find a better synonym for close, but rearrangement works better I think.
Janie agrees, and she's trying to steal the laptop to say so.
Kisses,
Kate
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On 7/20/2006 03:15:00 PM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Geez O Man.
What she said.
More kisses than Kate gave you,
JanieBelle
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On 7/20/2006 03:16:00 PM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Wetter tongue than Janie gave you.
Kate
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On 7/20/2006 03:22:00 PM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Ok, we think we're done fighting over the laptop.
Kate's working on the sexy thunder and lightning. I'm going to poke around the blog some more and see what's been said lately, while the connection's holding.
It always seems to crap out right before we get to your comments. Maybe it'll hang in a while longer.
JanieBelle and Kate
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On 7/20/2006 03:24:00 PM, blipey waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Yeah, but we actors don't usually get to change the words...just use them in different ways. It feels a little strange to be telling others what they should write. I'm against that process of impressing on others your own work. Even when I'm teaching, I'd rather the kids discover things on their own.
I'm not overly worried about how you'll take my ramblings--thank-you for being so nice about it. But please tell me when I should leave it alone.
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On 7/20/2006 03:40:00 PM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Oh we'll tell you. Kate's kind of thinking of this as more of a group project at this point. Or maybe a solo project with assistance, I guess. I'm letting her alone to work on the lightning and thunder, though. I think she's doing just peachy at making my knees weak. How are yours?
JanieBelle
:)
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On 7/23/2006 04:29:00 PM, waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Not to detract from blipey's wonderful deconstruction, but I couldn't get any farther than "In blackest night" without thinking of Hal Jordan, Guy Gardner, et al. ;P (I hope smileys work in comments)
vino of wil
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On 7/23/2006 07:42:00 PM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Hi vino,
Jade was way cooler, had better hair, better outfits, and didn't have to ...um... recharge her batteries.
Now THAT'S a skill in need by today's women.
What? I was talking about the LAPTOP batteries, perv!
:)
JanieBelle
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On 7/23/2006 07:43:00 PM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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blipey,
I seem to be tripping over the sexy lightning and thunder.
We have a thunderstorm going on here now, so I'm going outside on the porch for inspiration.
I'll let you know how that works out.
Kisses,
Kate
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On 7/23/2006 08:47:00 PM, waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Hey! Hey! Nobody tops Jessica!!!
vino of wil
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On 7/23/2006 08:48:00 PM, waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Blast stupid tags that never work!!!
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On 7/24/2006 02:05:00 PM, JanieBelle waxed damned near poetic whilst opining...
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Let me see what I can do about the tags...
